<<Back for More, Shoreleave Mission #23, Day 01>>
<<Starfleet Headquarters, San Francisco, Earth -- Officers’ Dormitories -- 2345 Hours>>
Personal Log ON:
“Well, I just had a visit from Tournneau - turns out we mixed bags this afternoon in the transporter room. Poor guy - he only realized after he opened mine at his place when he was trying to turn in. I don’t think that my clothes are quite his...type. I could tell he was embarrassed by the whole thing.
“I was planning on visiting him this shoreleave, but I just didn’t expect to see him immediately. The whole thing was pretty funny - a classic Derek move, really - but my goodness, you could cut the tension with a knife.
“I’m just so adrift on my feelings in this friendship. I was so glad to get the position on the Mali two years ago, and it’s been wonderful having Derek as a department head. We get along so well, much more so than I have with really anyone since I was growing up on Bolarus. I had not expected to find such a...kindred spirit in someone from so far away. I suppose that is a silly thing to think.”
She began changing out of her street clothes and into a set of pajamas as she continued her dictation.
“We work so wonderfully together, and we’ve had so much fun together over these years. But I find myself wanting more, but I don’t think that either of us are entirely comfortable with the idea of that.” She walked to the lavatory and began to wash the cosmetics from her face as she continued.
“I understand why he’s reluctant - I really do. I know that the recurrence of that awful day is coming soon for him. He talks about it often, and about his wife.
“She seems like she was a very interesting woman - very headstrong, risk taker, proud. I would have liked her, I think.
"Since our shoreleave coincides with the commemoration, he's going to be able to attend in person this year - and he's also asked if I could accompany him. I'm glad to be there for him, but it certainly feels like a big step. Humans certainly aren't Vulcans, but they aren't quite as easy with their feelings as we Bolians are. I've had to adjust to that, even with Derek. For him to invite me into this area of his world, it's very vulnerable. I'd hate to seem like I'm taking advantage of it.
“So no, I don’t push it - and I have my own misgivings. He’s my superior officer - and we both have our careers to think about. A misjudgment, a falling out - it could cost us a lot more than our friendship if the setting was right. I could end up pushing PADDs in some remote wasteland for the rest of my Starfleet days.
“The Malinche is the kind of ship that any engineer worth their salt wants to be a part of. I’m a part of a great team, and I’m a leader in that team. I’ve worked my entire life for this opportunity, and I can’t let it become endangered by doing something reckless.
“But even so, I find myself sitting at the same table every day, eating with Derek. I find myself spending my rec time in the holodeck with Derek. We do everything together and I really don’t want to spend time with anyone else. And yet there’s nothing overtly romantic about our friendship. It’s strange, I’ve never had a friendship with a man that was this involved and platonic. It just feels like we’re both kidding ourselves at this point.
“At least, that’s what Debra said at the officer’s club tonight. It was nice being able to see my old roommate again - she wound up at Utopia Planitia after our stint on the Rhea. She’s doing well - been promoted to Lieutenant as well. She’s seeing a civilian technitian there. Although, she’s always been seeing someone. Always dating someone in the academy, always dating someone on the Rhea. Now she’s dating someone on Mars. And he’s not the first one there, either.
“But still, perhaps she’s right. Sure, I’ve dated a few people - well, OK four. Well, OK, the first two barely count, I was still a girl on Bolarus. And while those relationships were fun and exciting, I never really felt this kind of a connection with any of them.
“Ah, this is so strange. Feeling like I’m in a better relationship - in a friendship - than any of my past romances. It doesn’t make sense!"
Viradia finished her ablutions and climbed into bed. The soft glow of the city below her was enough light to see by in the darkened apartment.
“I’m not going to push him into it - but I’m not going to back away, either.
“Computer, log OFF”
Lieutenant Viradia Beladd (PNPC)
Assistant Chief Engineering Officer,
Personal log reflections regarding events during missions or shoreleave
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